Wednesday, March 25, 2009


"Blood Diamond"
I enjoyed this movie a lot, but I have to take some issue with it. Part of me wants to think it's a full-blown action movie that captures the intended audience and secretly drops in the fragments of an actual message. But most of me just thinks they're trying to wrap the Shroud of Turin around Hitler's dick and call it "safe sex." And that's just irresponsible.

"The Devil's Sword"
One time in 2002 a few friends and I were stranded in a hotel in Naperville, Illinois. The particulars behind this aren't as important as the fact that by day 3 we had pooled what was left of our meager resources and purchased a shit-ton of Robo. Two hours later I was sliding (literally sliding) slow-motion along the hallway walls, eating food that other guests had left outside, locked in frustrating conversation with the little guy driving the car that left rainbow trails behind it, who kept zipping back and forth across my field of vision (which was now 2-dimensional like a television) and covering up all of the shit that kept popping into sight and remaining there, until of course he covered it up w/ the rainbow, only to have weirder shit pop up right on top of the colorful new background. Later that night I was rolling around the floor of our room, convinced that I had actually died, and regret slowly soaked into my brain. What I should have done instead was chug that Robo, immediately watch "Conan," befriend a handful of 3rd-rate martial artists, someone with a fog machine and the most surprisingly unattractive Asian women I could find. Then we all should have chugged more Robo and made this goddamned masterpiece of accidentally mind-bending cinema. Substance abusers rejoice, you have a new time-waster to wallow in!

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