Tuesday, March 31, 2009


i just took some generic Xanax and i can't stop floating around in this video. this song is good O.G. style but this live performance is musical blowjobs.

if david lynch ever got around to making that movie about unrequited love on a haunted spaceship then this would be the soundtrack. i would listen to it and cry and then masturbate (tears as lubricant) and it wouldn't be nearly as weird as it sounds because Twin Peaks was great and it's okay to cry sometimes (even if you're a man).

Thursday, March 26, 2009


Sausage Egg N' Cheese "McGriddles"

You know I avoid death-traps like McDonald's at all costs, but sometimes you're hungover at work and you don't feel like waiting in line at the cafeteria, so you say 'fuck it' and go buy the cheapest thing on the breakfast menu beneath those shining golden arches of shit. I bought one of these puppies without even knowing what it was. The "sausage, egg n' cheese" part I was already pretty familiar with, but what is a "McGriddle?" I figured that a griddle was just some low-budget quick-solution fryer, like a George Foreman except made out of plastic by the weathered hands of Asian children. And this is McDonald's after all, so they just put a "Mc-" in front of everything.
Maybe it was the hangover, or maybe it was the fact that I am a good-looking and polite young white dude so all the black ladies at McDonald's called me "sweetie," but this shit hit the spot hard. I didn't even realize there was syrup inside it until bite #3. Bonus points for that pleasant surprise.
So check this thing out if you're strapped for cash and hungry in the middle of a strip mall. And ladies, I know ya'll be worried about calories n' shit. But fuck it, my dick would rather hang out in a MoonBounce than Auschwitz, so put some meat on them bones.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


"Blood Diamond"
I enjoyed this movie a lot, but I have to take some issue with it. Part of me wants to think it's a full-blown action movie that captures the intended audience and secretly drops in the fragments of an actual message. But most of me just thinks they're trying to wrap the Shroud of Turin around Hitler's dick and call it "safe sex." And that's just irresponsible.

"The Devil's Sword"
One time in 2002 a few friends and I were stranded in a hotel in Naperville, Illinois. The particulars behind this aren't as important as the fact that by day 3 we had pooled what was left of our meager resources and purchased a shit-ton of Robo. Two hours later I was sliding (literally sliding) slow-motion along the hallway walls, eating food that other guests had left outside, locked in frustrating conversation with the little guy driving the car that left rainbow trails behind it, who kept zipping back and forth across my field of vision (which was now 2-dimensional like a television) and covering up all of the shit that kept popping into sight and remaining there, until of course he covered it up w/ the rainbow, only to have weirder shit pop up right on top of the colorful new background. Later that night I was rolling around the floor of our room, convinced that I had actually died, and regret slowly soaked into my brain. What I should have done instead was chug that Robo, immediately watch "Conan," befriend a handful of 3rd-rate martial artists, someone with a fog machine and the most surprisingly unattractive Asian women I could find. Then we all should have chugged more Robo and made this goddamned masterpiece of accidentally mind-bending cinema. Substance abusers rejoice, you have a new time-waster to wallow in!