THIS WEEK IN NETFLIX

"Running Scared"

I've probably seen this movie about fifteen times. I have no idea why I rented it. I also have no idea what to say about it, other than that it's one of those movies where I feel like I have to keep making excuses while I watch it with someone new. But I have no idea why. This movie is a total beast and look at how fucking HARD Paul Walker is looking right there. And that girl is so New Jersey hot that I'm suddenly teleporting back to middle school and getting a boner. What was it about "skanky" girls back then?
Anyway, you know that scene in "The Protector?" That unbelievable scene where Tony Jaa makes his way up a huge club in a single shot, beating the shit out of everyone and you almost can't believe that what you're seeing is real and then at the very end of it all, some desperate dude actually throws the kitchen fucking sink at him? This movie is basically that exact moment repeated ad nauseum until instead of slapping your head each time, you just start rolling your eyes. I'm trying to mean that in a good way. On a somewhat related note, I'll bet Paul Walker's dick has a crew-cut.


"Marathon Man"

When my girlfriend's mom found out we were watching this she immediately said "oh! I've got a factoid" and excitedly started dropping some behind-the-scenes shit. I suddenly knew that I was dipping my pen into the right gene pool. This is one of those you've-somehow-never-watched-it classics that seem to only spawn from a certain strain of superior 70s cinematic sperm. Alliteration for the extra point!
There's not much left for me to say about this badass motherfucker other than to confirm that this shit is a badass motherfucker. Watch this movie all the way through, and then ::SPOILER ALERT:: realize that Dustin Hoffman was pushing 40 when they made this. What fountain of youth is that guy throating?
Most Genuinely Important Fact: Roy Scheider plays his greatest character in this movie and you will want to be him. Or else you are a tampon.